Not ready (yet)

In the past I’ve heard people come out with the old cliche “I’m just not ready for a long term relationship” and always thought ‘what a cop-out’. It’s not been until now, at the ripe age of 31, that I understand its “a thing”. 

I’ve been dating a girl I knew from school for a few months now. I thought that after such a long drawn out break up, 6 months no contact and a seemingly improving mood I was OK to start seeing someone regularly. It seemed fine, she was stunning, kind and thoughtful yet as the months progressed, and she seemed to get serious, I found myself feeling stressed out. I couldn’t put my finger on why really. We had good sex, we had good nights out and had shared interests yet I had this underlying disinterest. I just couldn’t muster up any enthusiasm for the relationship. I wouldn’t look forward to seeing her like I did my sociopath ex and I found myself thinking about the differences which was unacceptable. I wasn’t being fair to her or myself – I’m not ready. 

I explained that I’m not ready for a serious relationship and she kind of understood but didn’t sound very happy. I had to tell her and end things before they progressed and I ended up really hurting her. I liken it to a crack addict trying to get the same buzz from a can of red bull; Its not going to suffice. That’s not me saying that this drug is something I want or need as its harmful and would have ultimately killed me. I have to face that my character is (no – was) addicted to these types of girl. Its too soon in my recovery to start dating. I haven’t managed to heal myself in order to appreciate the right kind of girl yet. The girl I was seeing recently may well be the type of girl I need in a years time but for now – I need to be alone. 

I understand that my psychopathic ex wasn’t a real person. I know that she wasn’t a soul mate and that we never really had all of those shared interests etc but I’m obviously still grieving and coming to terms with that reality and ultimately the loss. 

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