The recovery from a sociopathic soul leeching nutcase really is a painstakingly nauseous roller coaster ride from hell. You feel that one minute things are finally on the up, your mood is levelling out and you can sense the end then whoosh – you’re hurtling downwards into darkness again. On your way down all you can hear are words once spoken; their riddles, lies, manipulative flattery and pity seeking sob stories. You see flashes from moments of intimacy and feigned affection. You feel really gullible and sad as you wonder how you could have been so naive when it was, in hindsight, so obviously messed up.
“How did I dedicate so much love, time and effort to such a disturbed person” rings through my mind regularly.
The good thing is that when you’ve been on this ride for a while you learn how to cope. You even minimise the effect of the dip. It stops sickening you so badly and you actually start to accept that it happens; you’ll soon be on the way up before eventually levelling out.
That’s enough of the rollercoaster analogy – it’s useful but I’ve got the song ‘Love Rollercoaster’ by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers in my head now and it makes me smile because it reminds me of Beavis and Butthead. This isn’t helpful because I’m trying to document the dark moments but instead I’m sat here at my desk with a smile on my face – oh well, I can forgive myself and my weak attention span just this once.
So, to summarise my weird ramblings – I came back from Jamaica last week and really felt down. I was tired, I had the holiday blues, I was jet lagged and these elements combined left the door to my mind open for my ex to enter and throw her darkness around again.
I watched Divergent last night (I hope you’ve seen it) and in the film the main character is sedated during a test and forced to face her worst fears. During the dream she quickly calms down and tells herself ‘this isn’t real’ at which point she can break her way free from danger. This made me realise that you can apply the same principles when you’re suffering in the fog from the sociopath. The relationship just wasn’t real; it was completely artificial. You were sedated, just like Tris, and the sooner you tell yourself ‘it’s not real’, coupled with the fact it wasn’t your fault, you quickly smash free from the flooded glass box and take a breath. In a mad way the very personal thing the sociopath did wasn’t personal. There was nothing different you could have done that would have made this a lasting AND HEALTHY relationship. The key is to remember the healthy part (in my opinion). You probably could have done some things to prolong the agony and keep this poisonous creature in your life but it would never have been healthy. The moment they set foot into your life you were on a path to Shitsville.
I mentioned in my last blog that I’d be putting together my relationship rule-set soon and I can promise anyone that might be interested that it’ll be my next blog. I just wanted to capture these up and down moments because I know people out there are suffering in the same way.
Please share your thoughts, feelings or criticisms (preferably constructive) in the comments.
Speak soon, J