Tortured Soul

I’ve spoken in my blogs so far about the pain I’ve been caused. My cold, unloving and often spiteful ex-girlfriend has really torn me to pieces – but was it justified? I keep wondering ‘Did I bring this on myself?’ and here is the reason why.

Just to recap – We were in love (well, I was anyway), we’d had an amazing holiday together, we’d found our soul mates (yes, there were warning signs – see ‘Broken border controls & an elusive dragon’) but we were happy. We were always talking, texting, sending voice notes, laughing and we’d see each other often. I had a good relationship with her 2 kids and I was really, really happy with the whole situation. Those 6 months, minus a few minor bumps, were the happiest of my life. I felt a connection like never before.

Then she broke my heart out of the blue. She started behaving irrationally. She ruined our weekend at a music festival and then she ruined my 28th birthday (by taking a stranger to Ibiza instead of me). She had seemed to completely lose her grip on reality. She wouldn’t listen to me, she wouldn’t hear my views and she wouldn’t apologise or meet me half way. It was her views, her ways or nothing. That was a betrayal of my trust. People have disagreements and don’t see eye to eye occasionally but this was just insane. My gut told me this person wasn’t right and after the weeks of stress I felt different. Well, I thought I felt different. I told her my feelings had changed and she seemed really upset. Whilst she seemed upset about it she never really did anything about it. She never apologised for what she’d done. She never resolved any of this conflict. In her eyes, now that she was over it, I was over it but, she’d caused a lot of damage. Her being unable to acknowledge my hurt feelings was much more problematic than either of us realised – it was toxic.

I remember thinking ‘her violent psychopath ex-husband still seems to be on the scene, she’s sneaky, she’s selfish and she makes me feel confused – something isn’t right’. Our relationship was near over. We had both said it was over.

My friends had arranged to take me out for my birthday to try and cheer me up after she’d made me look a fool (by taking her new friend to Ibiza). I was left feeling really embarrassed by that. I was in a group of about 10 lads and after a few drinks in a local pub we headed into town. I had a call from her, my ex, to tell me to have a good night and that she loved me. She knew I was hurt and feeling let down by her so she called to be nice? Fuck with my head? Stop me from getting with another girl? Who knows but she always remembers to mention “I told you I loved you”.

I was drunk, hurting, angry and confused. The group I was with merged with some girls that we knew and I ended up being kissed by one of them. I told her I had a girlfriend, even though it wasn’t really true, and she apologised and said she’d been told I was single. We all headed back to a friend’s hotel room. There were about 6 of us in there continuing the party, messing around, being silly but then I sobered up. The girl was open to me and her lying down together but I kindly refused and left.

I got home in the early hours, lay in bed and thought ‘you did the right thing, ok you kissed her, nothing major, well done for not letting it go further’ and then fell asleep. I was woken by a call from my ex who was not a happy bunny. In fact she was fuming. A video of us all in the hotel room had surfaced on Facebook. I was seen with a girl trying to hold me up with her legs playing some stupid game. It was the girl I kissed. My ex was fuming, asking me what happened, accusing me of all sorts and I told her “You finished with me, we are over, why are you so angry?” but I quickly felt consumed by guilt. I felt like I had done something awful. She asked me for weeks “Did anything happen with that girl?” over and over and over again, after initially refusing to tell her anything, I blurted out “Look, I kissed a girl that night”. She seemed to be really upset. She wouldn’t accept that was all that had happened and, being fair, I understand that. Things were stacked against me. I was in a hotel in the video and I’d kissed someone. I fully see where she was coming from but I was telling the truth and, let’s not forget, she’d finished with me before it happened.

I spent over 2 years paying for that mistake. I was a monster. I was a cheat. I endured nothing but emotional torture from that point onwards. I was lied to constantly, I was ignored and the abuse really was relentless but – this is where I struggle. I really beat myself up. Yes, she had caused a lot of problems. Yes, she had broken my heart with her behaviour and pushed me away – but now I was in the wrong. It’s such a complicated set of circumstances. I had only kissed a girl (a girl I didn’t even find attractive) whilst drunk and AFTER I’D BEEN DUMPED – did that mean I deserved over 2 years of abuse?

I kept on going back for more. 95% of the time, over the course of the following 2 years, it was me chasing her. I was on my knees. I’d made a terrible mistake. The fact that she’d been so carless and selfish before this kiss was irrelevant to her. We went on weekend’s away, spent nights together and went on holiday (when it suited her) but it just progressively got worse. Nothing I did worked. I thought ‘If I hang in there, show her I love her and prove I’m sorry then she’ll eventually forgive me and we’ll go back to how we used to be’. I tried so hard but she was never going to drop the ‘you cheated on me’ stick and stop beating me with it. She enjoyed it. The getting ‘back to how it used to be’ idea plagued my brain. She had her hooks in me from the love bombing days and I still feel the pain from them now.

In my mind, shortly after the kiss incident, once the dust had settled, we should have both made a choice. We both forgive one another and move on, which would have meant that we both accept responsibility for the mess, or we end the relationship. That would have been fair in my eyes. In reality, dealing with facts, we had both made mistakes. She had guided our relationship onto a path destined for failure and I had compounded things further by kissing another girl. Seems simple doesn’t it – two people living in the same reality, accepting responsibility for their mistakes and moving forward. We could (and should) have resolved our conflict and been stronger for it – but no. She didn’t want to play along. She was innocent. She was a victim and I was the evil monster.

After all of the time spent trying to prove myself by taking her lies, her sneaking about, her silent treatment, her snapchat flirting, her made up stories, her accusations and her secret holidays abroad mixed with spending weekends together, going away, telling each other we still loved one other and that it’d all be ok (when it suited her) she’s dropped me and gone back to her ex-husband.
I feel like I committed a crime, served my time, then on my day of release, after promises of freedom, she led me to a gas chamber to be executed.

Here I am, surrounded by the toxic fumes, fighting for breath while she plays happy families with a man who she claimed had raped and beat her. Head = fucked. I asked her how she could go back to a man who raped her and her answer was “Well when he raped me he didn’t use violence”. Oh, that makes sense, that’s really good to know. He’s not a violent rapist. He keeps the violence and the rape separate – comforting. That’s fair enough then. (I hope you sense the sarcasm). Can anyone smell that bullshit?

Having witnessed her lack of empathy first hand, heard her mention her weird dislike of animals, caught her lying 100 times and even listened to her talk about how she would manipulate a person for money; I’m 100% sure she’s a narcissistic sociopath. Nothing I could have done would have made this relationship last. I was not going to get my happy ever after fairy tail but – I still have an intermittent voice that whispers “if you had understood her more you’d have been able to keep her happy, this is all your fault”.

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One thought on “Tortured Soul

  1. nothing you could have done would have changed her. you cant love a sociopath out of sociopathy it wont work. no cure. learn the lesson life is trying to teach you. be done with these people they will only cause you pain. they do not get better

    Liked by 1 person

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