The last 6 months have been a real test. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that the love of my life wasn’t going to change. I had to face the fact that the amazing relationship, that had me head over heels in love, was gone and unrecoverable. Then I had to face the idea that I might have something missing or corrupted inside my own personality.
I realised that I’m susceptible to problematic and disordered partners. I’m the male equivalent of a girl who goes for the bad boys. That’s awful. I always berated those women and it was difficult to realise that I’m in their group. I’m a male Britney Spears.
So I’ve had that gut wrenching realisation. I’ve googled the hell out of borderline personality disorder. I understand codependency. I’ve read about complex PTSD and I’m now aware that my eventful upbringing has me slightly twisted up. I’ve found myself a counsellor who specialises in trauma and I’m going to work this stuff out and shake off this dark cloud that plagues me.
I can see how some people, men and women, would just come out of a relationship like this and just bury their heads in the sand. They would pour scorn over their ex. They’d tell their best friend what a bitch / bastard they were and feel comfort when they hear “there’s plenty more fish in the sea” and “there’s lots of people who’d love to be with you out there”. It’d be easy for me to think ‘bitch’ and just move on, get into Tinder or POF and just start looking for someone new. I’m not going to take that risk. I can’t afford to. I feel that with every relationship that fails, in this god awful fashion, I get closer and closer to being sectioned under the mental health act. I don’t want to end up convinced that the CIA are listening to my phone calls whilst sitting in my studio flat, on my own, in a tin foil hat. That doesn’t strike me as a path I should take. I refuse to accept that I’m destined for a life of drama. I don’t want to constantly fail at relationships and be drawn in by predatory women. The sooner I get this sorted the better.
So here is how the borders to my heart and soul where breached. In hindsight I’ve identified five security failures that will be addressed:
Breach # 1 – I met her using a dating site and she had a fake account. That should have been it, end of conversation, thanks but no thanks. Her reason was that she didn’t use the site and she was just messing around using her friends profile. That, my friends, was pure bullshit. She was using a fake profile because her ex was still on the scene and she didn’t want him to find out she was hunting for men online. If I’d hazard a guess she was probably sleeping with her ex weeks before I met her. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Big mistake.
Breach # 2 – Sex on the first date. Yes, it takes two to tango. I know that. I’m not going to lie in these blogs and try and portray myself as Mr. Perfect. This was a lesson I learnt for myself but this action on her part, coupled with the fake profile, should have been another boundary. I should have left it there. She never really had a reason for the sex on a first date. She claimed I was only the second man she’d ever slept with but I find it really difficult to believe.
Breach # 3 – The hidden phone. I never EVER saw this girls phone screen. I remember once that I caught a glimpse of her typing her lock pin into the phone and she immediately changed it. The phone was either out of sight or face down on silent. She never even used it to take pictures of us together. Her reason? She said that she’d always been a very private person. Who am I to try and change a girl!? I just weren’t that bothered by this at first but after a while it got weird. It was over the top. I wouldn’t have ever checked it, tried to get into it or read her texts. I wasn’t insecure enough. Now, looking back, this along with the other two – I should’ve shut this relationship down.
Breach # 4 – Ex on the scene. Her ex wouldn’t leave her alone. It was drama all the time. She was scared he’d knock the door. She’d notice missed calls and texts. We’d go away for the weekend and he’d call and cause trouble with childcare arrangements. OK, some people end up with crazy ex husbands, but this man apparently raped her. He was violent, he was a monster and a pest yet she wouldn’t change her number? She never reported him to the police? She never had a restraining order? Something here was amiss. I never saw a text message, she never explained what he was saying on the phone, she never gave anything away. I had no idea what his problem was. I think she’d probably been playing him, screwed with his head and strung him along just like me. Speculation? Yes. Speculation is all I have. Regardless, no matter the reason why, the alarm bell should have been sounding loud and clear.
Breach # 5 – Delusions. This really should have been the final straw and in many ways it was. We were about 6 months in and we spent 2 nights at a music festival camping. We’d had an amazing first day. The second day was also amazing – or so I’d thought. In the middle of day 2 I saw a group of friends and my ex had her sister and a new girl she’d met with her. We were all stood near to one another enjoying the music. A group of girls approached me, one asked for a cigarette lighter and another asked me if I had a girlfriend. I said yes and looked at my ex. The girl smiled, said “Oh OK, that’s a shame” and walked away. I thought nothing of it. I jokingly said to my ex “did you see my fan asking if I was single over there” she said no and asked me to point her out. That was it. We laughed about it and we carried on. I was really enjoying the music, I had my friends around, we were all drinking and my ex was nearby with her friend. About an hour passed and me, my ex and her new friend left that tent, spent hours wondering around other music tents, then we made our way back to the campsite. I was still buzzing from the night, singing, laughing and loving life. I was oblivious to the shit storm forming around me. We got in the tent, we lay down, I hugged and kissed her but she was dismissive. She shoved me away and told me I was a bastard and our relationship was over. I went from being on a high to hitting the ground at 1000 mph. I was baffled. She said that she couldn’t believe what I’d done. I’ll try and cut this short. She said that the girl in the tent had been abusive to her, shoved her and intimidated her and I stood by and did nothing. I hadn’t seen a thing. This was the first I was hearing some 5 or 6 hours later. She refused to listen to me. This argument went on for 2 weeks and I ended up apologising to her. I said that I was sorry about what happened but I hadn’t seen a thing. She wouldn’t accept it. She said that I’d done wrong but I just hadn’t see it. It was awful. The evidence was all there. I was obviously oblivious to there having been a problem that evening. I had absolutely no reason to lie. Not only did she cause this argument, weeks of pain and needless stress she then decided, just a few weeks later, to take her new friend to Ibiza for my birthday instead of me. She took a stranger to Ibiza for my birthday and left me in the UK. It was out of the blue. I was convinced we’d go and get over this silly argument but she just compounded things further. I was heart broken. I felt a right twat. My friends were as shocked as me. My best mate said “What the fuck are you doing with this girl mate, she’s obviously mad”. She returned from Ibiza, sat before me and joked and laughed about the time she’d had. She told me stories about how some lad had her name tattooed on his body for a laugh and I sat there thinking ‘This girl is evil’. Surely that was it? Surely I’d end this shit show? It was close. I told her my feelings had changed. I thought I wanted this relationship to be over.
These five breaches were all significant. Why did I let them go? Why did I stay after all of this bullshit? I did it because in between these events and behaviours this girl was my soulmate. Our moments together were so inexplicably brilliant that I just just threw all of the shit in the denial compartment of my brain. We shared so many things in common, she’d told me I was her hero, I was the most important part of her life, she couldn’t imagine losing me. She had been through so many hardships; I needed to save her. I loved to feel so loved by this beautiful girl. I needed to feel that loved. She was a drug that I craved and even though I noticed it was harmful – I needed the high.
From this point onward I would be chasing the dragon.